Just Pain

Life and Death. 

I've felt them both.

And I've decided

At this point

It doesn't matter. 

They're both just pain. 

Just pain 

In different ways. 

Turn Out Like Him

One morning I woke up to screaming. I ran upstairs. Our house was mostly empty from the move. Little did I know it had just gotten emptier. 

I'll never forget my moms face that morning. It's impossible to forget. I didn't even have to ask what happened because I'd never seen anyone make that face before. I'd never seen someone's face look that broke. It was obvious what happened. That face. 

That morning changed everything. He changed everything. So you know wanna know what I'm scared of? I'm scared of everything. He made me scared of everything. 

I'm scared that I'll be this sad forever. 

I'm scared that I'll have to listen to my sister cry in her sleep forever. 

I'm scared that my mom will never go back to normal. 

I'm scared that all my friends wish I was dead.

I'm scared no one will ever want to marry me because I'm too broken. 

I'm scared that the doctor won't give me anymore of the drugs I'm addicted too, I'm scared that my mom will get remarried and that she won't, I'm scared I'll never believe in God again, I'm my kids won't love me, I'm scared I'll have these night mares forever I'm scared I won't graduate, I'm scared one day getting out of bed will be impossible. 

But most of all I'm scared I'll turn out like him. 

I'm scared one day my sister will wake up to screams and run up stairs and see my mom face and know what happened without even asking. 

Not because she's never seen that face before....

But because she has. 

Needing Love

I'm running out of illnesses to fake to get out of school. 

Tricking my mom that I'm sick so I don't have to tell her that my heads just too dark and cloudy today. 

Lately that's everyday. 

I can't go into that big building full of bodies but empty of love. 

Maybe just empty of love for me. 

Avoiding that people that don't know me and the people that wish they didn't know me. 

I can tell you that I've never felt this alone in my life. Maybe this is a trial that I've made own but I need it to end. I need love again. 

Please just tell me you love me 

PLEASE JUST TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

You can't understand how much it hurts to feel like this. How much it hurts to fell like you're the only one in the world on your own side. I need someone on my side. 

Don't you know how much I'm suffering? And don't you know how much of that you could alleviate with just a few nice words. With just a Starbucks. Or a hug. Just something. 

I wish people could see the inside of me. Maybe they'd run away. I'd probably run away too. But maybe they'd realize how that I can be helped. That I can be held together.

I've never felt desperate like this before. Desperate for friends. For someone to talk to. For someone to care. I just need a hug. I just need love. 

I know I'm difficult. But please. 

Please. 

Don't give up on me. 

A Little Too Sensitive

I feel like I was born missing a layer of skin

Because every part of me is a little too sensitive. 

It's like all my nerves are exposed so everything hurts way more than it should

People tell me I'm dramatic but I'm not dramatic this really feels like the end of the world. 

It hurts that bad. 

My friends think I'm crazy I know they do but the thing is I think I'm crazy too. 

I need love more than any other human being ever has. 

In eight grade I had a friend that hugged me and told me she loved me twice a day and maybe that's why my expectations are too high because I saw how good it felt to feel important. 

Everything hurts me double. 

I throw up at night because all the pain is too toxic for my body to handle, and it doesn't know how else to get rid of it. 

I need a sign on it that says CAUTION: fragile. Handle with care. 

I just need you to care. 

I lay in bed every night and wonder if this is how I was meant to be. 

Broken in every sense of the word. Hurting to much to see anything else. 

It hurts so bad that I'm positive I'm human.

But I wish I wasn't. 

Best Friend I've Ever Had

Alcohol is the best friend I've ever had. 

It's always there no matter what. 

It makes you feel warm and calm. 

It never gets mad at you.  

When you go on vacation it always wants you to come back. 

In fact it practically begs you to come back

If you ask it to it'll show up for you. 

There's no lying involved in alcohol. 

Just you and the bottle. And it always tells you the truth. 

I tried to stop for you. 

Tried to kick the habit. 

But alcohol showed up today. 

And you didn't. 

You said you would but you didn't. 

So I'll sink down into the abyss. 

Deeper

Darker

Faster

Calmer

Drunker

Warmer 

Black

Broken Crayons

I've tried a million times to write about my childhood. And all I can really say about it is this. 

When I was 6 years old I was at my cabin with my family. I was crying. 

My mom came upstairs to ask me what was wrong and I told her that I was scared that when I got older my life would be hard because my childhood had been so great. 

My mom told me that that isn't how it worked. 

She was wrong. 

And I was right. 

If crayons are what we used to represent our childhood happiness...

Then all my crayons are broken.