The ones where the outsides to blurry so all you see is what's in your head.
I saw boys. Lots of them. Somehow they always ended up on top of me.
I saw things dimmed down. Light things seemed dark and dark things seemed darker.
I saw the ceiling and the floor and I'm not sure which one I was on.
I saw the puke and the red and the toilet and my hair.
I thought about how low I could get. The lowest times of my life.
I thought about how many times I'd been on the bathroom floor. And how many times I'd be back.
I thought about graves and bullets through the head and moms with cancer.
I thought about the pills and the doctors and how it's never enough.
I thought about the loneliness and the guilt and regret. The pain and the embarrassment and how this is all I'll ever be.
But you wanna know the last thing I thought about, right before I close my eyes?
You.
This is so good! You are such a great writer! Not only did I feel like I could see it, I really felt it. I've been there, right there before. This post it me
ReplyDeleteYou always end your posts with a sentence that gives me chills
ReplyDeletethe line about how boys always ended up on top of you made me stop & think really hard about my life
ReplyDelete& i think that's the best kind of writing.
the line regarding the floor and the ceiling is brilliant
ReplyDeleteYour perspective memory of a reality that ceased to fully connect, tied back to the reality of true existence. I'm not one to say intaking substances are bad for you, but I am one to say that the journey and meaning of the intake it's something that can be never of too much value to a person. Great post.
ReplyDelete"I saw the ceiling and the floor and I'm not sure which one I was on."
ReplyDelete#stolen
Also, this makes me think of a song by Tove Lo (is that her name?) - trying to get someone off your mind. Very good.
Habits.
DeleteI'm going to move on to another blog now.