Last Words

Missing you comes in waves and right now I'm drowning. Caught in a rip tide and the salt burns. 

My pain density must be greater than everyone else's because they all seem to be floating while I just sink down deeper.

And the shards of my broken heart ripped through my life jacket along time ago. 

My heart string are too weak to be tied back together and forget glue. 

The tears burn right through it. 

I see you in my dreams. Sometimes alive and sometimes dead depending on what's going through my head. 

They don't prepare you for grief in school they only teach you math

Math I use to add up the number of birthdays you'll miss, multiplied by the tears that I'll cry every night for for the rest of my life, divided by the number of times I wished my heart would stop beating, all over every single time I'll throw my graduation cap in the air you won't be there to see it. 

They teach us how to fight off death but never how to go on living. 

There's a massive hole in my chest, cut in the shape of your hand that I'll never hold again. 

When I close my eyes all I can see is the way mom's looked, filled with tears, when she told me you were gone. 

Every one of my nerve endings is exposed and every time someone says the word dad they get a little bit rawer.  

I wonder if you knew it would hurt this bad I wonder if you cared. 

I throw up so much at night the only thing that seems to come out anymore is pieces of my soul. 

I lost ten pounds in the months after you died and every single one of them came from my heart. 

Every day since you died I've thought of last words and everyday since I've regretted mine but this time I won't. 

I love you dad. 

And I'll miss you forever.