What I should've said.

I said all the bad things.

Because in the heat of the moment that's what we do.

Sometimes all we can see is the bad.

But I didn't want to hurt you.

I should've told you the good things too. 

I should've told you that whenever you're happy it makes me happy too. 

When you read me letters from that boy on a mission I've never met I should be bored but I'm not. I love it because you love it and that makes me happy

You're the only person I can tell everything too. I know I can trust you the most. When good things happen and when bad things happen I want to tell you. 

Sometimes when I want to do something bad I think of how you'd be disappointed. And how you actually care. And how you've made me see that choosing the right is better. 

Even when I'm sick of cafe rio and you wanna go I still wanna go. Just cause it's fun with you.

...okay and I'll never be sick of cafe rio. 

You're one of the only people I'd stick up for and defend through anything. Because I just believe in you. 

Sometimes I wanna die and sometimes you're the only one that can convince me other wise because you just have this hopefulness in you. 

I would do anything for you. Even if was the middle of the night I would be there for you. 

I rarely pray. I hate it. It's hard and I cry. But every time I do pray I thank God for you in my life. Every time. 

And I think that maybe that's the only thing that can really say how much you mean to me. 

Because I don't pray.

But I pray for you. 

Things I Lost

Things that I lost in the move:

Mint green bikini

Navy Cali hat

Old Black stilettos

Red Camp Sweatshirt

My friends

My heart

My happiness

I'll be there.

When the walls start to crumble and you're about to be crushed by falling bricks, I'll protect you. 

When you get too cold and tired from hiking through life's cold deep snow, I'll drag you out when you beg to left behind. 

When the when the debris from the ashes of your broken soul fill your lungs, I'll breathe for you. 

When you're heart shatters, I'll glue all the pieces back together. 

When your feet hurt too bad to keep walking, I'll carry you though the path of life. 

I'll be there. 

Learning

People always asked me what I've learned. 

That's what happens when you go through something like that. 

And I mean something truly awful that people don't even like to say out loud. 

Suddenly everyone wants to know what you've learned. How you go on. 

In church when we talk about trials they ask me to share. 

They can't ask anyone else talk about trials when I'm in the room I guess. 

What I want to tell them is that I learned how to take a shower when your heart hurts so much you can barely stand. 

I learned how to make it through an hour long class period and wait to cry until I could hide in the bathroom between classes. 

I learned how to wear baggy clothes to hide the ten pounds I lost from pure sadness. 

I learned how to spend the entire night throwing up and screaming from my night mares and then get up the next morning at 6:30 because somehow I'm still expected to come to school. 

I learned how to avoid eye contact with anyone and everyone so no one would talk to me because I was scared of what would come out of my mouth.

I learned how to sleep as much as possible during the day because the monsters inside me where twice as loud at night.  

But the thing I learned the most?

I learned that as impossibly hard as you imagine it to be...

It's harder. 

I love you

I wish I'd said anything else that night. 

I wish I'd told you that I never want to live without you.

I wish I'd told you that you're the most important part of my life. 

I wish I'd told you that there's nothing I can't forgive you for. 

I wish I'd told you that all the pain you'd caused me is nothing compared to the pain of having you gone.

I wish I told you that I need you to be here. 

But I didn't. I didn't tell you any of that. 

I wish I'd told you that I love you. 

I didn't say it

But I felt it...

And I hope you felt it too. 

Drunk

I saw and knew a lot of those things in those moments. 

The ones where the outsides to blurry so all you see is what's in your head. 

I saw boys. Lots of them. Somehow they always ended up on top of me. 

I saw things dimmed down. Light things seemed dark and dark things seemed darker. 

I saw the ceiling and the floor and I'm not sure which one I was on. 

I saw the puke and the red and the toilet and my hair. 

I thought about how low I could get. The lowest times of my life. 

I thought about how many times I'd been on the bathroom floor. And how many times I'd be back. 

I thought about graves and bullets through the head and moms with cancer. 

I thought about the pills and the doctors and how it's never enough. 

I thought about the loneliness and the guilt and regret. The pain and the embarrassment and how this is all I'll ever be. 

But you wanna know the last thing I thought about, right before I close my eyes? 

You. 

Hats

We wear hats to cover things up. 

Greasy hair, forehead zit, bad dye job. 

We have other hats too though. 

Hats we use to cover up the things we're even more ashamed of. 

We wear the funny hat, to cover up the fact that we're scared no one could ever take our thoughts seriously. 

We wear the tired hat, to get out of confessing you really haven't smiled for days, and aren't sure if you know how anymore. 

We wear the sick hat to get out of school, so you don't have to spend another lunch eating alone. 

And then there's the mean hat, used to force people not to focus on our own insecurities.

The angry hat, the one we use on our friends to cover up the fact that we're just hurt. 

And a hundred more. 

Everything about these hats are just fake. Used to cover up the things we find the worst in ourselves. 

But the thing about hats is, they don't last forever. They wear out, break at the seams. 

So do yourself a favor now. 

Just take it off.